Okay, so I admit that I haven’t exactly been a rousing success with the women in my life. Most of my friends tell me it’s because I’m the proverbial "nice guy" and women don’t want nice guys – they’re more used to "trouble". They say I will be more successful if I play "hard to get" like other guys, but, to me this is playing games, and it’s just not me. When I find the "right girl" I can only give her my true self, right or wrong. This seems to be a curse. I also seem to have a knack for finding controlling women who all too easily take advantage of the "nice guy" in me. Case in point – this week with who I honestly thought was the girl of my dreams.
I’ve already said how bad Saturday night went, with not being able to stay over and spend our last night together, and Sunday was just as bad, when my plan for a great day together was toast, and ended up being a very stress-filled day. Crystal was going away for two weeks – three whole weekends, and I was hoping beyond hope that we could at least spend some time together this week before she was gone. No such luck. I wanted to take her out to a quick dinner Thursday night so she could concentrate on packing, and I wanted to get her a going away gift. She just got new contacts so I thought sunglasses would be perfect for her to enjoy in Fiji. She wanted to change this to Wednesday, when I can’t make it because of Mum’s bingo, when I don’t have enough time to get into Kelowna and back, so dinner was off. I was still hoping maybe we could take in a show on Tuesday, but she didn’t call, so Mum and I went without her. I offered to help however I could on Thursday still, but she was too busy and didn’t want to see me, so we missed the whole week. Now I’m just taking her to the airport tomorrow. So much for spending some "quality time" together. I can hear you saying it now – I guess I should just take the hint.
The sadest one of all? I was so disappointed that she will be in Fiji on Valentine’s day – to me the most important occasion for romance and to express how I feel about her. I had contacted the hotel she’s staying at in Fiji to try to arrange for flowers to be delivered on Valentine’s Day, but she wasn’t booked in under her name. I tried to find out from her, delicately, whose name she was booked under so I could still arrange for the delivery, but she wouldn’t tell me. I finally had to spoil the surprise by telling her why I needed to know, and she still wouldn’t tell me her friend’s name. She has some past experience to deal with, and, although I don’t blame her for being cautious, I am very disappointed that she lumps me in with this class of men. I thought I had earned her trust more than this. I even asked if she would email me where she was and she said she wanted to take a break from worrying about anyone and didn’t want to make any committments she couldn’t keep. If this isn’t a total brush-off I don’t know what is. Very sad.
No matter what I say or try to do, my plan is never okay. She has to be in control of the smallest thing, no matter what. I don’t honestly know if it’s because she has been on her own too long, or whether she just simply doesn’t care enough to consider what I want. I accept that we are not at the same point in our relationship. I kid her about being in "wuv with her" and there are so many things about her that I truly do love. She "works for me" on a thousand things and I am thrilled to be with her, but, as much as I wish it with all my heart, she doesn’t feel the same way in return. I guess there is no such thing as the "perfect woman" for me. Crystal was as close as I’ll come, and it hurts real bad to accept that it’s not meant to be. These two weeks without her were going to be miserable enough, but knowing now that I’m not the one for her makes it pure hell. I am truly sad. She was the brightest thing to come along in my life for a very long time, and she made me so very happy. I guess this blinded me to how things really were, and I have only myself to blame. I hope we can remain friends, because we enjoy doing a lot of things together, and we laugh a lot and talk for hours. I just have to find a way to fall out of love with her, which won’t be easy. She’s a very special lady that I hoped I would be proud to call "my girl" some day, but i’s not meant to be. This failure makes me feel doomed to spend my days alone – not something I ever thought would happen to me. I guess being a "hopeless romantic" truly is just plain hopeless in the end.